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50 Shades of: Why Am I Doing This?

Sometimes when times are tough you try to bargain with the Powers That Be. On a Sunday, perhaps this is God. During the workweek, your boss. During the Super Bowl (the “big game,” as it were) you pray, bargain and plead to Football Jesus.

Football Jesus is a kind deity. He roots for your team and he wants them to win. Football Jesus is a Patriots fan.

So when our beloved Pats were down by ten points in SB49, my husband and I wrote a check our asses now have to cash. It went like this:

INT., APARTMENT BUILDING.
Sunday. A super bowl party. The 50 Shades of Grey trailer plays during a commercial break.
Felipe: If the patriots win, I will see this in theaters!
Alison: (with enthusiasm) In theaters!
They high-five.
Felipe: FIVE TIMES!
Alison:
SCENE.

I did not sign up for this.

So, five times fifty it is. Felipe and I saw the first installment of the “film” on Valentine’s Day.

By all standards, it was terrible. Laugh-out-loud funny, even, in parts that were not intended to be so. But we sat, we watched, and we were not turned on.

Some have said the movie is rape. I disagree, since consent is very heavily discussed and adhered to. I don’t think it is rape, but it is an abusive relationship. We find out Christian Grey was introduced to BDSM at the age of 15 by a friend of his mother’s. That is child abuse, sexual abuse, exploitation. Christian proves the cycle of abuse when he introduces these preferences to Anastasia, an impressionable virgin who is yet unaware of her sexual preferences. He shows up to her place of work, to her private residence, is jealous, is cold, but he always gets consent when sex is involved.

In any case, we will have to see it four more times. When you make a promise to Football Jesus, you follow through, because if you don’t, he may not answer your prayers again. And do you really want to take that risk?

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